New dating rules you should follow
Zalina loves Pure — and Pure loves Zalina. How to talk to women in 2021, and why these rules aren’t just another over-complication created to make dating difficult for men.
Recently, a big debate sparked on Twitter that started as a conversation on how hard it is for guys to meet women in 2021: can’t approach them on the street, online dating is too complicated, sustaining a conversation is impossible — you name it. Men feel like they’re no longer free to get to know women on their terms. In response, or perhaps as a comeback, women started posting pickup lines they get approached with, such as “nice rack” and “WYD baby”. Oh, and don’t forget unsolicited nudes.
As I was scrolling through all the arguing and the pickup lines, I realized it would be great to seize the opportunity and give you my opinion on the topic with some handy dating tips included.
How not to talk to women (and why)
It’s generally hard for men to grasp that the main thing a woman is worried about when it comes to meeting someone is safety.
Yep, the main dating rule for women is safety. In particular, dating apps safety. Especially in our current society, with the constant victim-blaming, ever-present assault excusers, not to mention the infamous “what were you wearing?” and “shouldn’t have gone to his place so late at night — you were asking for it!”
So, it seems like a man’s worst nightmare on dating apps is getting catfished. A woman’s worst nightmare on dating apps is meeting a predator. See the difference?
That’s exactly why it’s kind of funny to hear men complain about how hard it is to meet women these days, especially when these are the men whose ads and dating profiles look like “My place now” or “Come over bb” — with no context or introduction whatsoever.
It’s understandable that some men are straightforward and don’t want to waste any time, so they cut to the chase. But it almost feels as if they’re confusing dating with Amazon Prime.
Don’t start your dating profile as if you’re ordering takeaway after a long day at work. Dating sites aren’t UberEats.
Even when all you want is a quick encounter, the women on the app are putting their safety above anything else.
And then the guys with weird dating profiles complain they barely get any matches, let alone any good ones. I’d say I’m surprised, but I would be lying.Self-objectification in your dating profile is not the best thing to do either — trust me, we care about your personality and sense of humor way more than we care about your physical assets. It’s all about priorities!
And the main personality trait we’re seeking is your ability to make us feel safe, heard, and comfortable. One that reassures us you’re not a predator, and we won’t have to question how to avoid a dangerous situation where leaving is not an option. We want to ensure that you understand consent and boundaries, that you actually want to get to know us, and won’t try to persuade us into doing things we don’t want to do (which, unfortunately, happens way too often).
How to do it instead:
You may not believe it, but a woman is way less interested in your car and net worth than she is interested in having a safe, fun, consensual time. Dating rules for women are simple: she needs to know that you understand that both “no” and “I’m not sure” mean no. That you’re not one of those guys who think a woman owes you her body just because you bought her dinner. And most importantly, that you’re not one of those people who manipulate others and make it impossible — or at least, challenging — for others to change their minds.
For a guy, online dates are simply that: meeting someone online. For a woman, it’s a whole adventure. A dangerous one at that. The stakes are high, so perhaps it’s a good idea for your Ad to mention that you’re aware of enthusiastic consent, don’t expect anything by default, and are open to any turn of events.
“Let’s chat, get something to eat together, and we’ll see from there”or “I promise we won’t do anything you don’t want to do” — both work really well.
We’re aware that you’re on Pure for more than small talk. But it’s important to understand you’re not here for quickies with no effort either — getting to know someone is not as simple as food delivery apps. And it shouldn’t be! You’re dealing with real people and real feelings.
Something else that’s important to take into account: there’s a big mismatch between women’s and men’s demands in dating
A lot of misconceptions circulate in our society, most of them claiming that women are looking for a super-rich, super-toned, and super-masculine macho — and won’t even come near a guy that doesn’t fit the criteria. That is a very toxic, dangerous, and blatantly false stereotype that overcomplicates dating for men, especially for those men who genuinely believe it.
Yep, imagine that: most women want a relationship with someone who’s kind, considerate, and funny. Not an underwear model or a sugar daddy. To quote the song: girls just want to have fun!
So, to debunk the myth once and for all, I’ll say it once again: women are not looking for something extra special in dating. A lot of men, however, have dating rules: the lady has to be pretty, but also smart, interesting, and easygoing. The full package, let’s say.
This mismatch is incredibly upsetting. Especially upsetting when you get approached via dating apps with phrases like “show me more pics, I want to make sure your profile picture isn’t Facetuned”. Can you show us your intelligence and consideration instead, please?
Compliments and stop-words
Let’s say you’ve followed all the dating rules and made it through the initial round and started chatting with someone, and suddenly the girl gets offended by something you’ve said and leaves the chat. Most likely, you’ve made her feel weird or unpleasant.
Everyone wants to be respected. It’s common sense. Simple human decency is so easy, yet somehow so underrated especially on dating sites — no, we don’t want your nudes without consent, nor do we want your “Send nudes” messages when it should’ve been a “Hi”.
It doesn’t matter what your intentions on Pure are — the communication should always be respectful.
Back to rule number one: we go on the app to meet people, not order takeaway. Safety, communication, honesty, respect — not just important qualities, they’re essentials.
If you actually don’t know what to talk about on dating apps, remember that you can always start the conversation with a neutral compliment: “You’ve got beautiful eyes.” Better yet if you refer to the girl’s ad — mention something that caught your attention or made you smile.