27 September 2021
Are you really just looking for fun?
An eggplant emoji is more than just an eggplant emoji: there's often something else behind the ads inviting you for a late night session. Here are some important thoughts about intimacy and feelings in the column written by Lena Borovaya.
If you look at the male ad feed in Pure, you'll notice that most of them either mention their size in inches or write simple fantasies along the lines of “let’s open a bottle of wine and just see where this goes.” Some set their desired clothing size or weight in the ad, as in “must be less than 130lbs”, which is just weird and insulting - as if they’re picking out a puppy from a breeder.
At the end of the day, what you can experience with your partner is much more than what you see in xxx movies or feel from adult toys - it is a pure form of interaction between two people. Dating, wining-dining, and cuddling may not happen, but getting physical will.
Or something else might take place. I’ve been using Pure for over two years now, and there are reasons for this dedication. First, I just don’t have enough free time to meet in bars or get approached on the street. Second, I feel it makes communication easier and straight to the point - unnecessary preludes are removed from conversations. You start a chat assuming there's a certain likelihood you'll find yourself naked in bed with your new match. Maybe even tonight, who knows. I know some of you are rolling your eyes as you’re reading this - but you shouldn’t be. It’s 2021, a lot has changed: not only can women vote nowadays, but they’re free to choose what to do with their bodies and how to spend their time. Women can also do the above guilt-free. Look how the tables turned.
Back to the hot and steamy ads. You scroll through the feed and feel like you are starting to drown in all the textosterone pouring in. You start chatting, and unwanted pics of body parts are popping out from every corner. You (probably) feel like closing the app and running away by now. Sometimes, though, you come across guys who willingly and openly communicate their desires in the ad. Then you start talking, and it's so easy with them. Actually, it should be that easy with everyone. There's just one problem: we don’t really know how to talk about our desires, or even the big S word in general. Let alone talking about our problems and needs: We might have a hard time admitting them, even to ourselves. And in this case, it seems, a simple question may help.
So, why am I on Pure?
No, not "What are you looking for?". It's exactly "Why?". I answered the former question exactly two paragraphs ago. But on the "why," it's all very simple: get a difficult relationship, pour in a painful breakup, shaken not stirred, add an olive in the form of a small child. It almost becomes Jeffrey Eugenides’ The Virgin Suicides: you were never a single mom, only I understand, I was. I simply didn’t want to carry that pain with me. I wanted a fresh start, I wanted to drink the infamous wine, fool around - and see where it takes me.
And you may not see it, but behind the unprompted pics, eggplant emojis, and extreme desire for exploring fantasies reside real human stories. Painful divorces and separation from children, stressful work, not being able to control emotions, loss, sadness - you name it. A human being needs a human being. And so it happens that if we stop trying to fool ourselves or others, but honestly say we’re craving some skin-to-skin contact, we will probably find the right person quicker.
Intercourse can be one of the most honest ways of communicating. A bit primitive, sure, without much involvement of the second signaling system. But you see, if we disregard all social layers, we still can't change the complexity of a person's emotional structure. You don't always have to say something for someone else to feel it.
There is also an important thing that comes with such open honesty. Once you accept the rules of Pure play right away - as you have already agreed that you are okay with moving onto physical intimacy at some point - it is no longer so taboo, no longer so coveted, no longer inadmissible and awaited. Now the emotional closeness comes to the forefront. That's exactly how I’ve made several (now close) friends on Pure: it was made possible thanks to mutual openness.
As I’ve mentioned before, most of us aren’t the best at communicating what we want. And we need to learn how to get better at it. In the meantime, don’t be intimidated by the fact that others have no clue, either. On many occasions, I've met up with Pure guys just for one late night date. But there was always something else to discover. Everyone really felt the need to talk, to hear something nice, to open up. It's corny, but it's true. Getting physical is never just getting physical. There’s always something more to it.
You can find love on Pure, too. Just don’t go on there looking for it, as contradictory as it may sound. You need to focus on having a good time. Everyone comes to a platform like this to do the same thing, and everyone, without exception, is terribly shy. People want to be truly seen: to take their clothes off, and then peel away layer after layer of prejudice, insecurities, feelings, and shame. In no way does it mean there are no failures, no bad dates, but even those can teach you to identify what you need and to quickly understand what others want to tell you.
Sometimes a nude is just a nude. And other times - the story of a sad, destroyed, or lonely person. It's just a naked way of showing you he’s human.
We all think we will be judged if we just say we want intimacy. But we’re even more terrified that someone makes fun of us for wanting feelings. And again, what a paradox: an app for a fun time is teaching you to embrace feelings and not be ashamed of them. Pure teaches you to understand your body. More specifically, Pure helped me reclaim the right to mine. I became the master of my own fate, feeling free to decide what I want, when and where I want it, who I want it with - all while getting better at listening to my desires.
Everyone wants to get physical. At first, you’re a little embarrassed to say you are looking for emotional connection and depth, but eventually you come to realize the unspoken holy grail behind the Pure Community.
I may be wrong, but I think I nailed it. Pure is always about getting deep: not always physically, but always metaphorically.