Sex plans for 2023. Pure’s New Year’s Resolution
Columnist, author, and creator of the Femosophy website Olga Nechaeva suggests how to make the upcoming year memorable, especially when it comes to bed.
I’ve been bad
Dear Santa Claus, I tried very hard this year. Every week I tried to annoy Mark Zuckerberg by promoting pieces of sex enlightenment and sex reflection to the masses, never once trying to make my content less shameless. But I don't insist on being a good girl. After all, good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go everywhere. As a result, Santa, I am hoping to receive the following items from you: a nun's habit, a warming lubricant, and a kegel toner. I plan on naming it "an opinion no one asked for" and using it according to the instructions.
And I will behave even worse — for the good of others. Here’s what I commit to
- To not use battery-powered vibrators to harm the environment less. Greta, I’ll do everything I can!
- To sell my silk bed linen. Like most worthwhile things in the world, it's beautiful but harmful — it hurts to slide off the bed when you least expect it, and it's rather impossible to stay gracious while doing so.
- I'll throw away my uncomfortable, two sizes smaller thongs. And find a partner who can appreciate the appeal of simple cotton briefs.
- Give foot fetishists a chance, or at least let someone admire my pricey pedicure. Unfortunately, I didn't have the opportunity to brag about it at the seaside this year.
- Have sex with someone younger. Is that how the youth education support program works? I think every woman after 40 is obliged to contribute to society and sexually train at least one young adult.
- Behave like a real lady on the first date; do not slurp loudly during a blowjob.
- Recognize the difference between your own opinion and the one you have after sex. It was all a blur due to the orgasm. I don't like fishing, "Star Wars," or "Dota". Did I already agree to the opera date? Forget about it!
- Avoid leaving false eyelashes in other people's cars, and remember the number of lipsticks in my bag (it's not my fault he didn't mention having a wife - she found one of my lipsticks in his car).
- Send off squirting enthusiasts — hands off my urethra! I can't be getting any more UTIs.
- Buy me an inflatable man, call him James and tell him about my adventures, instead of taxi drivers with weak hearts.
- Dance on the bar's tabletop (only with the permission of the bartender).
- Rewatch "Sex and the City" and accept time's fleeting nature.
- Start a rumor that I got my car as a gift from a rich gentleman caller. The reputation of a wise woman will benefit me more than a business pony.
- Dress up for Halloween in a crown and stockings and imply that I'll keep anyone who comes close in bed for a month.
- Give each friend a clitoral stimulator — the more orgasms, the merrier!
- No longer will I accept a threesome with an ex and his inflated ego.
- Don't go on dates with guys from work: it's awkward enough to take notes at the conference when the presenter asked you to spank him last night.
- Increase the list of men with the "Pure" surname in my contact list to 20, especially now that I know where to find them. This place is Pure sex!