Trans Dating: 6 Burning Questions Answered
The dating world is complex for all of us - with all its written and unwritten rules, communication, and the pitfalls we may encounter. Itās even more complicated, however, for minorities. Especially for transgender people, who face some of the highest levels of discrimination among all marginalized groups. For most trans people, the complexities of dating far outweigh all of the āregularā dating issues most cisgender people might face. Itās Transgender Awareness Week, so we felt now is the perfect time to touch on such layered subject as transgender dating and get a firsthand perspective on what itās like to date as a trans person. We spoke to two transgender guests about their own experiences with online dating, intimacy, and transgender relationships.
Eva, 23-year-old woman, developer, identifies as heterosexual, she/her pronouns.
Casey, 21-year-old man, working in film programming, identifies as pansexual, he/him pronouns.
ā In general, how has your experience with dating apps and online dating been?
Eva: Pre-transition, the experience was mostly negative - I had to āput on a maskā of a gay man, which I obviously was not. Post-transition ā incredibly positive, for the most part.
Casey: My experience with dating apps has been on the positive side of neutral, I havenāt had any negative experiences and a couple of good ones.
ā Do you disclose to your potential dates youāre transgender when youāre getting to know them? How soon? And how does the process go?Ā
Eva: I mention that Iām transgender in my dating profile description. I do it because I donāt want to waste my time and energy on a potential romantic or sexual relationship with someone who either wonāt accept me or worse - will hurt me emotionally. Iāve chosen this strategy and it works for me ā this way, Iām filtering out the wrong people and only speaking to those who accept me as I am.Ā
Casey: I always disclose that Iām trans to anyone Iām talking to, especially on dating apps. It goes pretty well, as I surround myself with open-minded people, so I never feel nervous about bringing it up. Iāve been very lucky and have only been met with acceptance by the people Iām interested in.
PURE DATING ā NO EXPECTATIONS, NO LIMITS
ā What would you say is the hardest thing about being transgender in the dating world?
Casey: Transphobia, of course. I have a lot of anxiety around revealing that Iām trans (even though it usually goes great!) and with my body. Dating is hard enough when youāre fairly comfortable with yourself, and itās hard to be vulnerable and open when youāre so insecure. So, the fear of targeted hate when youāre a trans person is hard, but also allowing yourself to accept love and attention is hard, too.Ā
Eva: In my opinion, any transgender person who uses dating apps has gone through enough in their journey to get to this level of openness - so not much will surprise them at the point where theyāre ready to date. For me, the most difficult part was finally deciding to disclose my identity in my dating profile. But even up until the moment you start to identify openly on dating apps, youāve already faced all the most difficult parts, experienced enough hardship, and pretty much already know what to expect from dating apps.
ā What could cis people do better to make transgender people feel comfortable in dating?Ā
Eva: Cis people could educate themselves on basic and fundamental things they should know before dating a trans person, for instance, what is appropriate to ask and what isnāt, I had this situation recently where someone asked what my deadname was (pre-transition name). Thatās like, up in the top 3 questions you shouldnāt ask a trans person.
Also, if cis people stopped trying to build the entire connection around our transgenderness alone, I think we would all feel much more comfortable and relaxed in communication, especially on dating apps.Ā Ā
Casey: I think cis people can improve the transgender dating experience by being more open about their love for and attraction to transgender people. There are cis people who hide the trans-ness of their partners in cis-dominant settings, and itās dangerous. It āothersā us and it makes loving us taboo, which, in turn, makes living and dating transgender people hard. The first step cis people can take is being honest when they are attracted to trans people.
You can always read this guide on things you should know before you go out with a transgender person.
PURE DATING ā ANYTHING BUT BORING!
ā Tell us about your best encounter with someone youāve met on a dating app or online?
Eva: It's a really special story as it was one of my first dating encounters post-transition. I matched with this guy on a dating app and we hit it off right away. The conversation was flowing so nicely, he did not once ask about my transition or anything in regard to my identity ā I even assumed he hadnāt read my dating profile. It turned out that he actually did read it, and then he told me heās never been with a trans woman. That was something I found very appealing as itās sort of validating for a trans person ā he sees you as you are. We met up right away, he was so thoughtful and considerate, the intimacy was amazing and the connection was great. And I have to mention, once you get on hormonal therapy ā the connection starts to excite you way more than intimacy. We parted ways soon after, but I still consider it one of my most special encounters.Ā Ā
Casey: I recently was in a relationship that was 80% online and it was amazing. I think the internet allowed me to be a bit more confident and honest with her and eliminated the worry about my body. She was very accepting and that was great, but we never wouldāve worked if I hadnāt had that buffer of the internet. I think online and long-distance relationships have their pitfalls, but it really helped me then and Iām sure what I learned will help me later down the line as a trans person.
ā How do you feel about ONS and FWB? Is that something youāve tried or consider trying out?
Casey: As a trans person, I think one-night stands and friends with benefits are great. Iām totally for having spaces and relationships for people that donāt want to be tied down to the traditional idea of dating and monogamy. Theyāre not for me, though, I personally need a more romantically-led monogamous relationship. But I think healthy relationships come in all forms and if sexually-led encounters/one-night stands/FWB work for you, then go for it.
Eva: A good option if thatās something youāre looking for. I used to practice both ONS and FWB regularly, and then realized that I tend to get attached to people very easily ā so now I'm only doing long-term monogamous relationships. Commitment is important to me, so I guess casual dating just isnāt my thing. I do, however, think theyāre great concepts and when it comes to finding love and dating as a transgender person, I support non-monogamy when itās done ethically.Ā
Pure is a dating app dedicated to equality and the destigmatization of gender and sexuality. We stand against any form of discrimination in our community and strive to make dating comfortable and safe for everyone involved. We feel it is our utmost responsibility as allies to educate ourselves and others by uplifting voices that need to be heard - and, in this way, make sure that marginalized groups are accepted, heard, and understood by us. We consider new dating rules as well. We recommend the Pure app as one of the best transgender dating apps for transgender people.Ā
