20 December 2021
The Man on the Market
Anonymous Creative Director from Moscow is talking about the male experience on Pure. Sounds like a man-gazing prophecy - but it’s not that.
This column goes out to you, and let’s hope I’m no longer on the market.
Dating is not easy
“Can you write something about the male experience in dating?” my friend asks me for a favor. My initial reaction: let’s make it brutal. Talk about all the horrible dates and pitfalls we face.
But then this tiny voice in the back of my head takes over: “Nope, wait, that’s not true. Didn’t you meet your girl on a dating app? And besides that, Pure made you connect with so many wonderful people and brought you so much new experience”. The voice is right.
The girl you’re kissing and holding her while you... wait, let’s start this one over.
The girl you’re kissing and holding her hand – you didn’t meet her at a coffee shop.
That’s how the conversation would go:
- Mom, Dad, how’d you two meet?
- I sent her an eggplant pic, she sent me a pic from the waist up. Then we went to get coffee.
Seems like this tale needs some more adjustment. Absolutely. Also, maybe I need to take a moment and rethink how I actually feel about Pure.
No odes here
Of course, a love at first sight scenario is never guaranteed. Things always happen differently – batteries not included.
A man’s experience on any dating app, including Pure, is often somewhat traumatic. If you’re a man who’s actively dating, try to stop being him… Maybe the app can help you with that.
The main problem is that men are the majority on Pure. One of my female friends once showed me what her chat window looked like: she had over 200 people waiting to chat. With no ad photos at that! Reminds me of Squid Game - and even on the first round she’s expected to eliminate a solid half of the players.
The other reason is a natural consequence of the first one. Do you know why the cashier lady at the grocery store is usually angry and impatient? Exactly: a bunch of customers, and she’s the only one doing all the work.
Not everyone realizes that when the competition is that big and intense, you better start juggling and doing circus tricks after the initial “Hi”.
But most of you don’t know that, of course... So you go ahead with a “Hey, watcha looking for?”. Great, now she’s disappointed. And bored.
Weird dates happen, too. I remember this one-night stand I had where I found a love spell candle wrapper the next day. Well, that would explain the wax stains at my place, I guess.
Wait a second… so, while I was fast asleep after our session, the girl was walking around my apartment with a candle and casting spells on me? Great.
By the way, this other girl I met on Pure offered me two hours of back entrance-lingus. The world is strange, man... That’s what makes it exciting though!
There’s a “but”
While I was busy cursing Pure, I actually realized why it played such an important role in my life. Pure speeds up the connection. That’s why.
First of all – the digital kink-party invitation immediately filters out ladies that are waiting until marriage.
We’re all a bit perverted and a bit stupid, so whenever we meet a beautiful woman in real life, we tend to romanticize the connection and assign her a bunch of personality traits, a tough life story, a never-seen-before type of intelligence - we will make up six romcom seasons and a whole movie in our head. So when a conversation on Pure doesn’t go the way we want it to from the get-go, it simply ends there. If we’re bored here, we’ll be bored getting intimate with you too - and we all understand that.
Add all of these big-breasted creatures, smirking devils, and other Pure visuals on top of what I just told you. These innuendos automatically lower the degree of romantic pretentiousness. It’s not Shakespearean - it’s rather Lacanian. So let’s not try too hard, darling.
By the way, have I told you that I found the most gorgeous girl of the eastern hemisphere (the western one still belongs to Emily Ratajkowski) on Pure?
Thank you, Pure. And good luck to you all.