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Scott (43): radical honesty & bittersweet endings

Scott (43): radical honesty & bittersweet endings

Pure Team

Scott is 43 and lives in San Francisco. He works in tech and has been single for about 3 years since his divorce. Scott tells us about his adventures on Pure, why some great things come to an end, and which Pure features facilitate connection for him.

 

Bittersweet endings

There was this girl I met on Pure. She lives in Los Angeles, I live in San Francisco. So, she’s 400 miles away. We absolutely fell in love: we really clicked and got along very well. I went to LA a few times to see her, she’d visit me in San Francisco. And it was wonderful — such a beautiful connection, you know. It was a little sad in the end when we sort of figured out that neither of us wanted to move from our cities. We weren’t ready for a long-distance relationship. So, you know, it was a bittersweet ending. She was definitely my favorite Pure match by far, we had a very special connection.

I’m certainly happy I met her. We wouldn't have had the connection that we had if it wasn't for Pure: it started out very flirty and sexual. Of course, we chatted in the beginning, made each other laugh, and made sure our personalities clicked, but I think we knew from the beginning that we were both looking for something physical, and that intimacy was important to us. That was the foundation of our connection.

Pure dating — here, now with no shame!

Not like other dating apps

Scott (43): radical honesty & bittersweet endings .0.0

Pure is different in so many ways. I like that you can send disappearing photos when you're flirting with someone and want to show them something that won’t just sit on their screen forever. It’s going to leave them wanting more, and from there it gets a little more flirty. I think it’s a much better way to build intimacy on the internet: there's a progression that you go through with any new match. The fact that chats expire, for instance. Offering to turn off the timer is the next step — a signal of interest if you will. And that’s like, a progression to the next level in and of itself. You’re thinking ‘okay, you're somebody who I’m potentially interested in’. And those little mechanisms facilitate a natural progression to making a real connection with somebody. This is some kind of a new dating trend.

I’m guessing women feel less comfortable using an app that they feel is explicitly for hookups

I absolutely love sending voice notes. Actually speaking and hearing someone talk is so great! It just gives you a better feel for someone. Usually, I will chat with someone for a little and then, if it seems appropriate, I'll send a voice just to say hi to see if they want to talk that way. It’s more intimate, hearing what someone's voice sounds like. It helps to get to know them. I also like that you can delete messages if necessary by going back and getting rid of stuff.

Privileged Safety

Scott (43): radical honesty & bittersweet endings .1.0

In dating, I myself have definitely been in situations that would typically be seen as unsafe. And in a way, it’s a privilege for me to sit here and say that. In certain scenarios, I probably should have been worried for my physical safety, but I really wasn't — I went for the thrill of the unknown. I wasn't worried that somebody was gonna do anything or threaten my safety. I guess that's kind of a luxury that comes with being a man in a lot of dating situations, right? I'm not sure I would do that again. But that was definitely fun in the moment: I got to push my boundaries and explore a different side of myself. 

The biggest piece of advice I would give somebody is to be aware of the catfishes and scammers on dating apps. Safety is key, especially when sexting. Because that can be a really negative experience that will really put you in a vulnerable position. 

Radical honesty

Scott (43): radical honesty & bittersweet endings .2.0

Intimacy is stigmatized for women — and so is looking for it. And I’m guessing women feel less comfortable using an app that they feel is explicitly for hookups. It’s also worth mentioning that you have to have a certain comfort level with that kind of intimacy. I kind of wish more women felt comfortable using all of the dating apps selfishly. 

I think when people are free to really be honest about what they're looking for and what they want from a dating app, the connection starts from a much more interesting and vulnerable place. Here in the States, even in liberal cities, there's still a lot of stigma around wanting physical connection. People don’t know how to get into a relationship. And I think unlike the other apps, Pure kind of lets you do that from the get-go. So, it’s a good place for me to experiment, try things that I might not normally try, push my boundaries a little, think about what might be fun for me to explore in a way that lets me genuinely try something new and see what I like.

That call for honesty makes Pure not just a fancy hookup app: there’s an interesting cultural shift happening

I don’t come on Pure with a certain request — in fact, I usually take a go with the flow approach. I think all the dating apps in some way or another, promise human connection a bit in the same way as a lot of social media does, but it’s nuanced. It might be there and it might not happen. It’s never really guaranteed. Sometimes you get lucky and you meet somebody — but that’s never a given. I actually think a lot of people are really, really burnt out on dating apps. Dating apps don’t address that they don’t really facilitate actual human connection. But online dating is not that hopeless. Pure does a pretty good job of creating a safe space: everyone is a little freer to say explicitly what they're looking for. Just in the language that Pure uses, the tone, and framing itself as an exploratory place where “all desires should be spoken aloud” — that kind of proposition makes it easier. You know, I wish more people would go for it. It’s challenging for people to be honest about what they're looking for. And that call for honesty makes Pure not just a fancy hookup app: there’s an interesting cultural shift happening. Right? I get a little grandiose about it, but I like that. Let’s call it radical honesty.

PURE is…

The coolest thing about Pure is…

Meeting people who feel free to be honest. 

Your most successful ad?

I try to say something that will make the reader laugh while still being a bit vulnerable. My best ad might be a pic I took doing my hair in four different silly ways when it grew long during quarantine.

What is the first thing you tell about yourself?

The first thing I always do is send a True Photo and make sure my match knows I'm really me and not a catfish or scam. After that, I'll ask about something from her ad, or just share whatever happens to be on my mind.

What’s not a good topic for your very first chat?

Arranging to meet right away or talking about intimate sexual details. While it's very good to have the freedom to talk about physical intimacy, that's never the only aspect of a connection for me, even an ephemeral connection.

What are some fantasies you’ve managed to realize with someone from Pure?

😇😉

What’s something you’ve never tried and won’t try?

Good question. I'm hesitant to say "never". I have pretty firm boundaries on what I know I'm interested in. Consent is of course always mandatory — I hope that goes without saying.

In a potential partner, you are most attracted to…

Emotional maturity, empathy, physical fitness, femininity, curiosity, and a sense of joy.

You will never date someone who…

I'm probably too picky for my own good. I won't date someone unless the chemistry is there and the connection genuinely feels like something healthy and fulfilling. If it's not a "hell yes" it's a courteous "no thank you".

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