Lena on being a therapist and recommending Pure to her female clients
Our community is growing. And we love when it happens naturally! Lena Moskaleva is a Russian therapist and helps her female clients get better at connection. She even recommends they join the Pure world! We, of course, totally agree – everyone needs a little Pure in their life. So, what exactly gives us a therapist-approved stamp? What does the Pure dating app mean to her?
It’s All About the Speed
The main thing that differs Pure from other dating apps is the speed at which you make a decision. There shouldn’t be too much time between the first message and your real-life meetup. The people coming on Pure usually have a specific desire and goal in mind, and they know just what they want from this dating app. It’s great when you go in with no expectations, as something great might happen when you keep your options and your mind open. Everyone is chill on the app, too. I’ve had my best date with a guy from Pure! He was incredibly careful, considerate, came to pick me up and we went to get dinner. It was all about mutual consent and enthusiasm at every step! I also believe the paid subscription for men filters out those who don’t know what they want or aren’t willing to make a move. Not to mention, it adds to safety.
Safety is key. It’s been 6 years since my divorce, and I’ve managed to date a lot and use a lot of dating apps in the meantime.
The subscription for men on Pure is easily explainable to me: it cuts off the wrong people. It’s about safety, after all - especially for women, as it’s our primary concern in dating
Sometimes I’m talking to a guy and he’s all like “Well, women can be dangerous too, things happen!” and yes, they do happen, of course. But, for instance, if I’m looking for real-life dates, then I’m mentioning that in my Pure ad. And the men who came for some online fun without the intention to date IRL aren’t going to message me or like my profile. It’s all about honesty.
The subscription on Pure also influences you psychologically – you’re more likely to make a decision and get what you’re looking for.
A dating recipe
I’m a therapist, and a lot of my clients find me via Instagram. I’m very open about my personal life and my dating on there – my audience knows that. So, a lot of women come to me asking to help them get better at communication and relationships. They want to get better at scheduling dates, showing up, being themselves, dating, connecting with others effortlessly. And I have some clients who have been with me for years now, so I’m very well acquainted with what’s happening in their lives. Some of them are divorced, others are getting married, there are people who have trouble dating or even finding a match. One thing I’ve realized is the thing that unites most of those issues and makes it hard to build a connection is expectations. As in, she wanted one thing and got something completely different – this happens a lot.
At one of my sessions with a client, I spontaneously told her: “just download Pure!”
She was talking about this dating app Tinder and how wishy-washy and boring it is – conversations never develop fully and die down before anything worthwhile happens.
So, she comes into my office for our next session after a week. She tells me she’s had an amazing date and it was easier than ever before to find a match and to connect with a guy she liked. (I have her permission to tell this story, by the way!)
This other client of mine shared a similar story. And then the third one. It’s amazing, really. I started seeing a pattern, simultaneously coming to a conclusion that Pure as a dating app actually works. When you date with no expectations, there’s no taboo in terms of discussing intimacy (because the app already implies there will be intimacy), and you know exactly what you want and what you don’t want – your dates are going to be successful.
How to use this dating app
The first thing you need to do is clarify to yourself what you want out of your dating life. Then, you need to translate it into your Pure ad. Then, you need to communicate it when chatting with someone. Pure has this cool feature that I like where any photos you send and receive get self-destructed – and it’s comforting. But of course, there’s always a certain risk, especially when it comes to switching to other messengers. I believe the most important thing to do first and foremost is communicating all the yes and no’s, because someone might want a quick hotel date, and the other person might want a nice dinner over wine and deep conversations. Then it’s not a match – that happens, and it’s okay. Do’s and don’ts on a first date are also important!
Second thing – there’s always an urge (especially when you really liked someone from the get-go) to meet up with the person you just matched with right away at their place, or something like that. I’ve had similar scenarios, too. And then I realized that it’s not the safest thing to do – it’s better to start from a public space, have a coffee date and see if everything is going well. It’s also good for testing chemistry.
I would also highly recommend being upfront and as honest as possible. Walk out of dates if you’re not feeling it, reject them if you have to, say “no” – simply put yourself first
I often hear stories such as “well, I didn’t really wanna do it, but I did it anyway, and now I feel terrible”. Even if she liked the guy, she simply wasn’t quite ready or in the mood.
How to communicate
I don’t think it’s possible to “train” yourself to get better at communication in front of the mirror. It takes practice. A lot of us were raised in environments where speaking our mind wasn’t encouraged or even allowed, so now we have trouble doing it as adults. It’s actually easily treatable in therapy! I don’t really know an effective way to change this about yourself besides simply practicing honest communication and telling yourself that you have every right to express yourself and your needs to other people. I also know that dating helps people get over their fear of rejection because the first time it happens to you you’re like “oh god, this feels horrible – I’m dying!”, then the second time it’s way less painful, and by the time it turns into a common occurrence it stops bothering you. You’re just like, whatever. You no longer take it personally. It feels great to realize you are more than any rejection! Dating can help you find yourself after all.
Here’s what you can do: take a deep breath before posting your Pure ad. Tell yourself: I am me. I am much more than an app, an encounter, or a relationship
It’s great that Pure lets you rewrite and adjust your ad according to what you’re feeling like at the moment. I started off on the app with no photos thinking “there’s no way I’m letting someone I know find me on here!” and after a while, I realized “well, if they see me – what would be so bad about that? I’m dating! I’m having fun! It’s no secret”.
The same technique applies to bad dates: tell yourself you’re more than a situation that didn’t work out.
For me PURE is...
Your most successful ad:
Let’s meet up tonight in the city center.
What is the first thing you tell about yourself?
Used to tell people that I’m a therapist, and now – that I don’t live alone and I’m not always available to meet. Desires, preferences, availability – something along those lines.
What’s not a good topic for the very first chat:
That I’m a therapist. Some people have tried to get some free counseling…
What’s something you’ve never tried and won’t try?
I don’t like it rough. I’m all for it – but it’s just not for me.
In a potential partner, you’re most attracted to…
Intelligence, sense of humor, and tattoos!
You’ll never date someone who…
Starts off the conversation with voice messages.
The coolest thing about Pure is…
A piece of advice for someone who just downloaded the app?
Fear is a good emotion and can be a great source of excitement. So go ahead and try it!