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9 unstoppable tips to limit your electricity bill this winter

9 unstoppable tips to limit your electricity bill this winter

We've known for a while that the energy crisis is here, and with it came the numerous rate increases imposed by electricity suppliers. Unfortunately, for many of us, no viable solution has been proposed by the government or said suppliers. So, since we prefer to empty our pockets rather than burst them, we took the liberty of concocting this little list summarizing the few solutions available to us to stay warm and clear during this winter season.
 

1. Spend more time under the comforter

With the rise of telecommuting (#StartupNation, #FullRemote), many of us are going green, nomadic, and Zooming around in shirts and briefs. So, let's jump on the opportunity! Well, if you're a fireman or a truck driver, it's going to be complicated, but if your job is remote, launch the app, find a partner, put on your best pajamas, and alternate between brainstorming and sex for a guaranteed rise in temperature.

Pure — everything happens here and now!

2. Leave the Tesla in the garage

Just between us, if Bernard Arnault can limit his private jet trips, you'd be foolish to blame inflation on your Model S (or Prius, which also works). Of course, there will be no more fun times on autopilot (it's forbidden anyway, Pornhub models notwithstanding), but the planet and your wallet will thank you. What do you mean, “You don't have to worry about your electricity bills when you drive a Tesla?”

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3. Play like it’s the 19th century and get out the candles

And bang, you get two birds with one stone! Ok, the heat and the light offered by a candle don't compete with the fire and the halogen radiator combo, but we add one (or several, I'm not your parent) partner(s), and have fun with the hot wax, with our hands, or with our feet... We’ll warm up the atmosphere by playing shadow puppets!

4. Convert your studio into a server farm and mine Bitcoin

Yes, it may seem counterproductive when you know that mining consumes a lot of energy, but the ‘experts’ all agree: “Bitcoin can only go up”. So chop-chop-chop, recycle your old computers, get into crypto, and become a millionaire by taking advantage of the heat generated by those hardworking processors.

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5. Go back to Mom’s

I'm not going to lie to you, this is what I did. Mom is sweet and caring, she cooks good food, she already pays the electricity for the house she's been paying off for at least 15 years, and she's just waiting for us ingrates to come and see her a little more often. A win-win solution, we'll say. Tell me about your mom, is more of a MILF or a sweet granny? 

6. Drop everything and move to Thailand

It sounds stupid, but let's do the math: if we allow €‎900 for rent, €200 for electricity, €300 for food, and €100 for drinks, we'll have a royal lifestyle (or almost) in the land of smiles. And with all the Pure members active in the region, we guarantee you'll at least make good friends!

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7. Unplug your WiFi router when you leave the apartment

Ok, so I’ve read that the French government proposed to turn off WiFi routers/modems when they’re not being used. Is this supposed to make any difference? Alright, then let’s drop Onlyfans, turn off the router (and other appliances, just in case), head out and stick to the radiator at the corner café — you can use their Internet and electricity at once. Voila, problem solved. We could almost have thought about it ourselves.

8. Buy a few grams of uranium 235 on the darknet

For a few euros more than a bag of weed delivered 2 hours late, we have something unique. Though, you'll have to familiarize yourself with this virtual space full of vice and sad opportunities (and invest in a nuclear reactor, for those who don't follow) first, but when you know that one gram of uranium produces as much energy as two tons of oil, you’ll know that’s a steal! And you'll be able to share it with your friends!
 

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9. Accept your fate and say goodbye to the light

Finally, the easiest solution for pessimists, night workers, and night owls: dive into the darkness. If your bill has doubled, but you still stick to heating, it can balance out.  This is the perfect moment, therefore, to rediscover your past partners, and especially put the four senses you have left to work (other than vision). And it's even a benefit if they're ugly!

Odilon Duval-Robert

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