How to Find a Dominatrix Easily (Tips From a Professional!)
Eva Oh, a professional Dominatrix, creator of #teakink and Safeword Podcast, sits down with us to break down the nature of her work and what it encompasses, unveils men’s motives in pursuit of submission, debunks common misconceptions, and gives a few tips how to find a dominant mistress for anyone interested in the world of domination. Our Pure community submitted questions - Eva answered.
What is the kinkiest thing you can do while staying dominant?
I think that there isn't really a measure of least kinky to most kinky. It can be quite personal for the different people involved. Something that seems extremely kinky to one person might be different to another, sometimes even within the same relationship. For me, I quite enjoy being able to bottom whilst maintaining my usual dominant headspace. I enjoy the toying of the physical VS the mental, which feels very natural, but can be surprising for some people.
When a man wants to be degraded and insulted... how do you get into it & know the limits?
Most people have many aspects that can be soft spots that you can toy with, endearingly or not - but I’ve learned that setting a scene or relationship that is founded on trust, admiration, and respect is a better place to launch from in terms of bringing degradation or insults into play. Ask what they've enjoyed in the past, why they might enjoy it, and if there were any triggers they want to avoid. Working with safewords, and explaining that safewords are to be used if things get not only physically too much, but also mentally and emotionally, is also essential. Debriefing and aftercare by checking in and otherwise are also very useful.
What is the kinkiest thing you can do while staying dominant?
I think that there isn't really a measure of least kinky to most kinky. It can be quite personal for the different people involved. Something that seems extremely kinky to one person might be different to another, sometimes even within the same relationship. For me, I quite enjoy being able to bottom whilst maintaining my usual dominant headspace. I enjoy the toying of the physical VS the mental, which feels very natural, but can be surprising for some people.
When a man wants to be degraded and insulted... how do you get into it & know the limits?
Most people have many aspects that can be soft spots that you can toy with, endearingly or not - but I’ve learned that setting a scene or relationship that is founded on trust, admiration, and respect is a better place to launch from in terms of bringing degradation or insults into play. Ask what they've enjoyed in the past, why they might enjoy it, and if there were any triggers they want to avoid. Working with safewords, and explaining that safewords are to be used if things get not only physically too much, but also mentally and emotionally, is also essential. Debriefing and aftercare by checking in and otherwise are also very useful.
What influence does this kind of relationship have on men?
A relationship can be therapeutic, enlivening, exciting, and challenging. When it comes to the men who serve me, I often have to teach them about how women experience the world, and this expands their awareness - making them better allies for the women in their lives. They also gain a different awareness of the world through the way that I live and the values that I have: they have often come to support the organisations and social justice issues that I do. Sometimes their dating lives become richer and more respectful with me, a dominatrix, on their side. I don't think that these outcomes are necessarily what my submissives come into a relationship with a dominatrix hoping for, but they are what tends to happen.
How do I find a dominatrix?
Looking for a mistress? For beginners it can really be as simple as a Google search of Dominatrix + your city. But I would also recommend seeing a Dominatrix that has a social media profile, who interacts with other Dommes and people in the BDSM community, and has a positive reputation.
How do you introduce an inexperienced guy into your world?
As with anyone new to me, I spend quite a bit of time talking about people's interests, any associated memories, what is a relationship with a dominatrix like, why they are interested in me and what they may be hoping for. This helps me start building an understanding of who the person is, and how I could toy with them. I then gently introduce them to my protocol and slowly enforce the power dynamic of me as a Dominant over their submission. I then tend to try a few “lighter” activities. The relationship grows from there and we can move on deeper into their interests.
Do you feel empowered dominating a man? Does it give you an ego boost?
Dominating men as a woman for me feels like it sets a bit more of an equilibrium in the world. I don't know if it has made me feel empowered, as I think I was always aware of my power - but to me it does highlight the injustice that is present in gender roles, and I like how it has taught me to take even less bullshit from men who have had too much space to speak over women. I speak my mind more freely outside of work since learning how to communicate even more assertively through the job and the dominatrix industry. Though I feel like these are more realisations and life skills rather than empowerment or ego boosting.
What is the most common misconception about what you do?
That domination and submission are about causing pain (read this Pure article about what BDSM really means). That can be an aspect of it - but there are also clients who don't want pain at all. The job is much more nuanced than people realise. From the admin that it takes to set everything up, the amount of investment that you can put into gear, the empathy and high-level interpersonal skills required, the planning and improvisation, the self-care... There's a lot that goes into it that people can be blind to.
I’ve always been curious about being dominated, what lighter things to start with? Is there a way to explain it without ruining the mood?
It sounds like there is a specific partner in play? In this case, I would say that it could be less confrontational to approach it outside of a sexual scenario by watching BDSM-esque or kinky movies (that aren’t necessarily porn) and talking about whether anything in it appeals and why. Then it may be something you can use to introduce aspects of play sexually later. You could also visit a kink shop together, get the assistant to take you through some basic toys, watch some YouTube tutorials and slowly build up from there. Making it a joint investment that you are both making in your shared enjoyment and relationship could be a way to look at it, rather than you explaining it.
Just for you: top 11 movies about kinky sex and transgressive sexuality, according to Pure
What's the most intimate thing about being a dominatrix?
What it’s really like to be a dominatrix is probably at least slightly different for everyone, but for me the practice of being a Dominatrix has taught me so much about my inner workings and desires - and it continues to do so. I find getting to know and satiate myself to be the most deliciously intimate aspect of it.
What is something male doms could learn from you, a dominatrix?
From the perspective of a dominatrix? Not sure. I could more easily speak as to what a male Dom could take away from my perspective as a woman: become aware of your inherent privilege as a man in the world and be particularly kind, careful, and considerate with how you assert yourself with that in mind.
🔥 Dare to explore your different sides
Pure can be the right place for you to learn what you’re into, push your boundaries a little, and get to know yourself with an open mind.
Want to know more about Eva’s work and dive deeper into the world of domination practices? We suggest checking out her Instagram and website.