Own Your Pleasure. A Handy Guide on Sex Toy Play with Your Partner
Pure and Biird, an award-winning sex toy manufacturer celebrated for their design, have joined forces in collaboration to create something truly great - the Gii G-spot vibrator. With classic technology and Biird's experience with top-notch devices, this toy is simple yet effective. In light of this tantalizing new technology - two key questions spring to mind: Why choose to use it with your partner, and How do you introduce the toy into your relationship in the most organic way? We answer these questions with the help of sexologist Elize Kapaeva and toy enthusiasts from the Pure team.
Wait — so sex toys are not just for solo use only?
It's never been about the number of people involved. Devices are designed for pleasure - that is their primary function. Toys are able to stimulate our bodies in a way that neither hand, tongue, vagina nor penis can. They never get tired and are always ready, as long as they're charged. That level of stamina is hard to match! So yes, there are special toys for couples. Let’s be honest, at least once in your life - you probably saw a double-sided dildo, and during lockdown times, remote-controlled toys began to grow in popularity; you can control them from anywhere in the world. But here's one thing you need to know about sex toys: all can be used solo or together. Gii is no exception.
PURE — EVERYTHING HAPPENS HERE AND NOW!
How to approach the topic of sex toys with your partner
- Always give a heads up, don't use any toys without getting consent first. If you suggest trying a toy while you’re already naked, you may be pressuring your partner. They may agree, and even if it all goes well, it’s better to be safe than sorry and check in with how they feel.
- Talk beforehand. It's always easier to do with new partners! You're just getting to know each other, learning each other's preferences, regardless of whether it's a committed relationship or a situationship. So don't be shy, ask plenty, and talk about yourself. "I'd like ... ", "I love ... ", "My favorite toy is ...", "What if we try ...?". Be attentive to your partner's words and reactions.
- If you've been together for a while, your intimate life may have become "stale" and full of routine and taboos. New things may be perceived negatively, like: "Am I not enough for you?". We suggest that you don't convince your partner that they're enough - it’s easy to lose that game. Take a different angle and talk about other people's experiences: "My friend was just telling me how she bought a toy for her boyfriend," or "I've stumbled across this article that talks about the benefits of trying sex toys together," and things like that. We subconsciously read the "one of my friend's" story as the storyteller's personal experience/desire.
- Share your experience. Share your feelings about your recently purchased device: how it helps you reach orgasm and how different it is from your "usual" sensations. The essence of healthy sex is to give pleasure to all participants. If you both share the same idea about pleasure, how you get there is really not that important.
I’ve been using sex toys since I was in my late teens, I only used them once with a partner, and the result was not amusing. I had this situationship with a guy 3 years older than me for 3 months. I was sleeping at his place 3 or 4 times per week, spending time with him and mutual friends, and so on. Sex was always quite good, but overall - vanilla. To be honest, he would rarely practice oral sex on me. He was quite a basic classic guy. The one and only time he came to my place, I suggested using my clitoris sucker once we were already getting intimate - and I have to admit here that I didn’t really give him a choice. Anyway, after using it for a couple of minutes (otherwise, I would have been done atm), we continued, but I realized he was acting really weird. The next morning, he went back to his place and sent me a message half an hour later. In the message, he said he didn’t want to continue to have sex with me and suggested that we should just be platonic friends. I was so disappointed that he was so afraid of such a small technology. And nope, we never had sex again.
Have a chat about this new experience
Again, any surprise can also be unpleasant - and that's not what you're here for! Have a conversation with your partner about what you want to get out of this experience - like how you want the toy to be used or what pleasure it can bring to either of you. Being thorough can reduce the anxiety about trying something new.
Toys are here to help, and not replace
Be sure to make this clear to your partner! Devices give new sensations and experiences but do not replace humans. Your partner should continue to feel in charge - after all, they control the device, and not vice versa.
Ever since a black 20-centimeter dildo settled on my bedside table, the conversations about toys just spark by themselves. It’s that kind of item that’s hard to ignore. But to be fair, I rarely use this "monster" - I'm keeping it at my place at my boyfriend's request. But there are two other devices that help deliver orgasms at my house. One is for anal and perineal stimulation that can be controlled from the other side of the world. And there's one more - recently, my partner bought a penetrating vibrator with an erectile ring and remote control - it's bigger and more fun. It's kind of like having a third penis participate in our sex games. It's ideal for when you want your partner to receive anal stimulation, but still want to see their eyes while at it.
Note how you feel
It's just like sex without toys. It's normal to be cautious and ask your partner if they like it, whether they need you to slow down or take a break. It's also normal to get tired of the device and switch to familiar practices instead.
Practice aftercare
You climax, catch your breath, hug, and kiss. Why not chat about this new experience? Dive deep into what you liked and what you didn't, and how the overall experience was. Don't push, and don't turn a pleasant moment into an interrogation. If you feel the conversation is not going smoothly, share your feelings, focus on what you liked, and note your partner's contribution to this experience. They should understand that they are not being replaced by technology.
Choose sex toys together
Choosing a new device together is an advanced step in any relationship and a mini-adventure on its own. Find yourself giggling at monster dildos? That's okay - it's how you release tension. The laughter may pass, and so will the embarrassment, and who knows, maybe in a couple of months, you'll voluntarily put one of these giant dildos on your nightstand.
As a bisexual man, I’ve definitely had my fair share of fun with toys in the bedroom. When I bring this up with my guy friends, the reaction can be rather mixed. What always gets me is a lot of men view toys as the enemy and take offence with toys replacing their ‘manhood’. But in reality, it’s sometimes really hard not to orgasm when you’re having sex with a penis. I think men need to reframe how they view toys, seeing them as a helping hand to help satisfy their partner. Also if you’re using the toy on your partner - you are in fact helping your partner to reach climax, even if it wasn’t your penis doing the work. Equal equality for orgasms is by far more important than any insecurities you may have about the toy in question. Sex toys can be your best friend - and something that makes everyone leave the experience feeling satisfied and hopefully covered in sweat.
How to use sex toys as a couple? 3 techniques from a sexologist Elize Kapaeva
Suppose you feel that you don’t want to have sex with penetration on a regular basis, or you need more qualitative foreplay. In that case, sex toys may become a handy alternative for you and your partner, as there are so many toys you can implement into your sexual life: plugs, dildos, massage oil, vibrators, etc. There are some interesting techniques you may take from Sex therapy and make a part of your life, for example:
- Hand-on-hand exercise, where your partner starts to stimulate your erogenous zones with the help of a sex toy and your hand on his/her; thus, you guide her/him and make sure you get that pleasure you’re looking for.
- Some sex toys may be used if you’re a fan of edging. There is a practice called “stop-start,” where you should reach the peak of pleasure with the help of a sex toy(s), stop, and continue only after the excitation drops. If you repeat this practice 3-4 times, you will be delighted by the end of it.
- And the last technique, quite popular nowadays, is called “bridge.” The idea is to replace a maladaptive way of achieving pleasure with an adaptive way. There is nothing wrong with using sex toys during sex, so when you realize you need a device to achieve orgasm, feel free to use… Over time, you can try to put the sex toy away and achieve orgasm without it.