Kink & Shibari 101
Sascha Achner is a kink expert and a shibari master based in Halle. How does one become a kinkster and how to know for sure this path is yours to follow? Heads up from Sascha.
Becoming a Kinkster
Well, I would say it started basically 10 years ago, and you know, before that, I was in a long-term relationship with pretty much vanilla sexuality. And it was how my view on sexuality was formed for a long time. Yet I felt very much there was an underlying urge within me for more playfulness or more exploration, for more intense connection and more intense actions, certain fantasies, and for a long time, I suppressed this basically. Because it didn’t work with my partner, and it didn’t feel right, because in normal life I would never hit a woman, and I have a very strong opinion about men who would do that, yet there were fantasies.
So this was also, you know, there was certain internal conflict and shame about that, and when I got out of this long-term relationship, I think I was around 30 years old, I started exploring, and I found that there were persons, partners, women who had similar fantasies and sense of more exploration. Then I met people, and we explored different kinds of BDSM, of kink, of the classical stuff, me as a dom, you know, teaching and educating my partners, and so on.
PURE DATING — ANYTHING BUT BORING!
This was also some kind of a journey because, at that point, I had to find out what was the authentic way for me to be kinky, my authentic way of topping somebody, because I quickly found out that the classical way with leather, and darkness, and dungeons wasn’t certainty my way and that I was still looking for, of course, BDSM, but also with a very emotional connection with tenderness mixed in between, and at a certain point I discovered rope. Basically through my partners, because they did like bondage, and then I picked up the ropes (laughs). And there was a certain point where I thought maybe this bondage stuff is not for me. I went to a workshop, and the guy there was like, okay, you just need one knot, and the rest is reading your partners and creating emotions, and it's a co-creation, and that was an eye opener for me, and that was basically the start of my journey into shibari, and later down the road, I met amazing partners with whom I learned a lot.
Tips for beginners
- Okay, my first tip would be: to communicate. There is always this image you know about the Dom, and he does what he wants, and the sub has to submit, and that's bullshit. First, it's a lot about communication, of finding your co-erotic scheme, and that goes for the dominant part and submissive part as well, how do you want to feel: how do you want to feel before a session, during a session, and after a session, so what do you need?
Because it's always the transformation, we all have a certain aphrodisiac. Very often in BDSM, there are moods that in real life would have negative connotations like jealousy, feeling helplessness and shame, and through a session, you could go through a transformation and turn that into a rewarding feeling: like closeness, like acceptance, like pride. And this is nothing that you just know: like what is the aphrodisiac of a certain person, or what is the rewarding feeling, where are the boundaries? Just to give you an example - very often when inexperienced people come to me in the past, or sometimes even today, and I ask: “Okay, what do you want, what do you want to play?”. They are like: “Well, just do with me whatever you want,” and my answer is: “Okay, well then I will lather you up in peanut butter and spank you with a herring,” and they’re like - no, I don’t want that. So we have our first boundary - let’s talk about that.
- The second thing is: to keep it simple! Because very often, when people step into kink, they buy a huge suitcase of tools and toys, and they have whips, and chains, and plugs, and dildos, and nipple clamps. And during the session, they throw it all at their partner, but it's not so much about the overflow and about the toy, it's about creating tension, creating a scene where you explore maybe emotions by using a toy, it’s not using everything at once - keeping it simple also goes for shibari. Don’t tie too complicated. Even with one rope, you can touch the soul of your partner. Don’t use 12 ropes to tie somebody up, one is enough if you do it right and with good intentions.
- Third - educate yourself. Every toy and tool has its own dangers to hurting somebody, there is a way of using things, there is a way of keeping it safe for your partner, and especially when it comes to shibari - you can kill somebody if you do it wrong. So educate yourself, go to workshops, and follow kink educators. It’s very important.
- The fourth thing - I would say find your own expression of surrender and guidance. Usually, when I teach and also in my own practice of doing things, I don't like to use the words “dominance” and “submission” because these are very strong labels, and for me, it's a lot about guidance and surrender. There is a topping part that guides the other person through the session and process, through the emotions, and there’s another person that surrenders - not only to the guiding part, but to their own emotions and the moment they’re in.
Shibari time
First of all, for me, there’s a difference between bondage and shibari - this is something you have to know. Bondage is everything you can use to restrict someone, you can use food wrap, your belt, handcuffs, silk rope, and so on. It’s simple. You’re just tying someone up to fuck them. Shibari is a part of bondage, but also it’s something very unique and elaborate, but it’s not necessarily about sex, but sensuality, and when we get to shibari, I would recommend using the classic ropes - jute or hemp ropes, because they have certain things that are necessary for shibari. They have a structure that holds. Basically, when you tie in shibari, you make a first knot, and everything else is friction and tension, and for that, you need the structures of hemp or jute ropes, and also these ropes don't stretch like silk would do, or like cotton ropes would do - so it would hold the tension like it’s supposed to.
But what I would say is you don't need 12 ropes or something like that, start with one or three ropes and learn the basic knot - the single column tie is the tie to tie them all, and then explore, and learn to read your partner. For me, when I give beginners' workshops I usually teach the single column tie, which is the basic knot. And then it's a lot about the exploration of reading your partner's movements, watching them, seeing what moves, which body part moves next and this is the body part that wants to be tied. So this is also my recommendation for beginners - put the emphasis on connection, rope is just an instrument that you're playing with your partner, but it's about creating that unique moment where nothing else exists, except you and your partner, and ropes. But the ropes come last.
The encouraging word is: enjoy the journey. Shibari is an art, and it will take time to learn. There will be frustrating moments, but don't let them distract you - learn and enjoy the journey.